Friday, April 4, 2008

The previously scheduled program ran late. We now return to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress ....

You know how you ignore a pet for a while as punishment when it's done something bad, like pee in the middle of the white living room carpet? When I look back at this blog over the past month, I feel like I've been ignoring it because it's been bad. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the blog has been bad. It's just that it represents something in my life that is in danger of becoming something bad. That "something", as you know, is the Bar Exam.

In my previous post I discussed my efforts at remaining sane by ignoring anything to do with the whole mess. But now I think my aversion runs deeper than that. I think I've taken the whole avoidance concept to a dangerous extreme.

One of my challenges is that I can't help but feel a little entitled, if you will, to a passing score. I mean, I know how much hard work goes into scoring a 1440 or better, but after everything I've been through over the past 5 years, there's a not so small part of me that says "Damn it! You can take this exam and stick it where the sun don't shine! I've earned my license already! Hand it over! Now!"

Channeling a little negative energy towards the Bar Examiners makes me feel a whole lot better than channeling it at myself for not preparing well enough. But while it feels good to rail at the unseen, unknown, faces hiding behind the veil called "Committee of Bar Examiners" (now there's a veil I'd like to pierce), I learned last Fall that the time and energy that I spend doing that is wasted. And because those are the thoughts that enter my mind whenever I sit down to write something here, I've chosen to ignore my blog like I would my dog when he pees on the carpet.

But a larger reason I've not posted more is that since the end of the exam I've dedicated most of my free time to strengthening the weak spots that have appeared in my personal life as a result of the tunnel vision that law school and bar prep have required. Over the last five years, and especially the last two, I've tended to leave family and friends more on their own when dealing with challenges in their lives. I felt that many of those problems would disappear, or become far less important, after I finished school and passed the Bar. And while that may be true, it also gave those other problems a greater impact than they would have had otherwise. Those challenges haven't been monumental but, like everything else in life, a little remedial attention in the beginning usually prevents them from getting out of hand. If that sounds like, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" you're exactly right.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've avoided the blog because I've been trying to transition back to life as it existed before school, and a big part of that is switching my priorities from "Law School/Bar Exam" and back to "regular life". However, I can't help but feel that that's a dangerous thing to do because if I lose my Bar Exam focus I'm afraid that it will be too difficult to get it back. That's the thought really pisses me off. And because those are the things that run through my head when I attend to this thing, I've avoided it altogether.

I'll stop now. I could write forever on this theme and the issue would still be fuzzy.

I think I should have been a Psychologist. I could spend all my time treating myself!

But after going back and reading this post I realize that I just may be using this blog as my therapist. Hey! That's great! I just saved $200! (;-)>

15 comments:

biff said...

I think it's good to lose the Bar Exam focus for a while. Forgetting is an important part of learning.

Anonymous said...

Our results were just released in Illinois for the Feb 2008 exam and thank God I passed this time after failing in July 2007. Good luck with your journey, passing feels amazing, you will enjoy it!

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I think about it every day, hoping and praying that I learned my lessons and will receive that magic passing score.

This will be my third career so I'd like to get started on it, and also have some time to enjoy the life that was eclipsed by night law school and two bar attempts.

Good luck you and good luck to all of us!

Anonymous said...

After the rigors of law school and a failed bar or two, JD stands for "just divorced."

stella said...

GP, no need to fret. You passed! If I wrote half the stuff you did, I'd been pretty darn proud of myself. Still, I understand your worries. Don't feel bad for wanting to forget about the Bar. Any normal person would!

Anonymous said...

Being in the situation of waiting for Bar Exam results, I too find myself trying to remember every detail of what I wrote on the exam, wondering whether or not I did it right, and trying to figure out an outcome at the same time trying to maintain a semblance of balance about the whole experience. But, is that really possible? Can one who has not gone to law school and taken and failed the Bar Exam really understand? Sometimes it feels right to just let it be for us what it is -- which is an experience that gives rise to excitement, expecatation, anxiety, defeat, and heartbreak. I guess it is okay to just be present with these emotions and let them pass. And, you are definitely not alone.

Jonathan Kramer, Esq. said...

To: GP and Friends...

* * *

It's a journey.

There is no destination; no time that you must arrive; just stops along the way, some of which will consume more time than others.

Some paths are starkly direct; some are curved; yet others end up forcing the traveler to go back and find another route, and perhaps another.

Most will never journey.

They will say the journey is too difficult. Others will claim that the journey isn't as important as reaching the goal. Still others will assert that without a certain path to a clear destination, there is no point embarking on the journey. These are people who you don't understand. You are not one of them.

Keep searching on you journey. You will see many beautiful things. You will also be more likely to contribute to beauty as you travel.

What makes you a special person is remembering that you embarked on the journey years ago, without the certainly that you would ever reach any particular destination via any fixed route.

That you can embark on such a journey is a testament to your determination, and your ability to move beyond your dreams, without ever forgetting how to dream new dreams to follow.

These things are important to us. Most will never understand.

You understand.

I understand.

It is a great comfort to a dreamer to know that others dream.

You know the dream.

I know the dream.

When we meet on our journeys, as likely we will, I'll smile at you.

One dreamer to another.

-Jonathan Kramer

Measuring Life said...

Thanks Jonathan, that made me smile.

Anonymous said...

Pa results were released on the
7th if you have any desire to look at the MBE scores. Good Luck!

The Grand Poobah said...

Biff: I'm going to forget you said that. (;-)>

Anon 4:40: Congrats! I know I will be amazed when I pass!

Anon 5:16: Third career?!? Wow. Good for you. I thought it took a lot of nerve to change careers just once. I can't imagine going through something like this again. Best of luck to you!

Anon 1:32: For many people, that's exactly right!

Stella: I hope you're right! But still, I can't help but fret. It seems that I have the ability to find most of the issues but still fail. I'm just hoping that I improved on my effort from last July. It won't take much to get me over the line.

Anon 9:53: Well said. Thanks.

Jonathan: Very nice. Comforting too. Thanks!

Anon 11:23: I couldn't find where they were posted on the NCBE site. Might you be able to provide a link?

Anonymous said...

Try www.pabarexam.org

Anonymous said...

So I just found out that my friend passed the Bar in another jurisdiction -- it is so AWESOME! And I wonder . . . will I be turning the page to a new chapter in May? Will I feel what must only be complete exhiliration or relief? Actually, WHAT DOES that even feel like to find out that you passed? Unfortunately my experience thus far is defeat. Hum . . . .

Jonathan Kramer, Esq. said...

Anon:

Will you ever turn the page to the new chapter in your life? You are completely in control of that answer.

Some of us take longer to turn the page than others, but the only losers are the ones who put down the book.

Ah, yes, the feeling of seeing you name on the Friday Night list *is* awesome.

Jonathan Kramer, Esq.

Richard said...

The wait is too long. Life has nearly come to a standstill waiting for days to move faster !

Anonymous said...

23 days and counting...