You know how you ignore a pet for a while as punishment when it's done something bad, like pee in the middle of the white living room carpet? When I look back at this blog over the past month, I feel like I've been ignoring it because it's been bad. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the blog has been bad. It's just that it represents something in my life that is in danger of becoming something bad. That "something", as you know, is the Bar Exam.
In my previous post I discussed my efforts at remaining sane by ignoring anything to do with the whole mess. But now I think my aversion runs deeper than that. I think I've taken the whole avoidance concept to a dangerous extreme.
One of my challenges is that I can't help but feel a little entitled, if you will, to a passing score. I mean, I know how much hard work goes into scoring a 1440 or better, but after everything I've been through over the past 5 years, there's a not so small part of me that says "Damn it! You can take this exam and stick it where the sun don't shine! I've earned my license already! Hand it over! Now!"
Channeling a little negative energy towards the Bar Examiners makes me feel a whole lot better than channeling it at myself for not preparing well enough. But while it feels good to rail at the unseen, unknown, faces hiding behind the veil called "Committee of Bar Examiners" (now there's a veil I'd like to pierce), I learned last Fall that the time and energy that I spend doing that is wasted. And because those are the thoughts that enter my mind whenever I sit down to write something here, I've chosen to ignore my blog like I would my dog when he pees on the carpet.
But a larger reason I've not posted more is that since the end of the exam I've dedicated most of my free time to strengthening the weak spots that have appeared in my personal life as a result of the tunnel vision that law school and bar prep have required. Over the last five years, and especially the last two, I've tended to leave family and friends more on their own when dealing with challenges in their lives. I felt that many of those problems would disappear, or become far less important, after I finished school and passed the Bar. And while that may be true, it also gave those other problems a greater impact than they would have had otherwise. Those challenges haven't been monumental but, like everything else in life, a little remedial attention in the beginning usually prevents them from getting out of hand. If that sounds like, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" you're exactly right.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've avoided the blog because I've been trying to transition back to life as it existed before school, and a big part of that is switching my priorities from "Law School/Bar Exam" and back to "regular life". However, I can't help but feel that that's a dangerous thing to do because if I lose my Bar Exam focus I'm afraid that it will be too difficult to get it back. That's the thought really pisses me off. And because those are the things that run through my head when I attend to this thing, I've avoided it altogether.
I'll stop now. I could write forever on this theme and the issue would still be fuzzy.
I think I should have been a Psychologist. I could spend all my time treating myself!
But after going back and reading this post I realize that I just may be using this blog as my therapist. Hey! That's great! I just saved $200! (;-)>